Saturday, December 1, 2007

Finding my power and reclaiming it

Well it's been a rough week and I haven't written in ages. I haven't had much time for "fun" or for my health this week and in fact I broke down badly on Monday. My diet support group leader sends us SMS messages several times a week to keep us motivated... This Monday she sent a message simply asking "how's it going? are you keeping to the program?" and I replied (I usually do not reply to these messages) "yes, keeping to the program and yet letting myself down, not living up to my own expectations". As soon as I hit the "send" button on my phone, I burst into tears (and I was in the office - NOT a good place to break down!) She immediately called me but I had no time to talk, then she had no time and we tried emailing but Murphy's law kicked in and there was a problem with her email and nothing went through....
I felt very miserable. I did pick myself up, as I always do, and I went on and kept to the program as best I could and I DID lose quite a bit of weight this week BUT I still feel like I am not living up to my own expectations (especially in the sense that I cannot find the time and the energy to exercise).
And then it got me thinking... When I did my homework for the coaching course I am taking we had to answer several "in depth" questions with the technique of the "popping answer" (the first thing that pops into your mind, however absurd or strange it might seem). These are questions that are part of the value identification process and I came up with some very interesting answers and values that derived from them but the most interesting one was a word that never appeared in any of my lists before (we've been doing value identification for a few meetings now in the course). That word was "power". Not physical power but intense energy power. It came through stories of my life I suddenly remembered and it was a reminder of my "weakest link".... my own power. I later confirmed it and worked on it further with my coach.
Ever since I can remember myself, even as a little girl I was a powerful being. I did things other people don't do, I thought differently, I sounded differently... I WAS different (and not in a bad way lol). But I have also noticed along the way, that when unleashed with no boundaries or limits, that power was a fire that burnt everything and everyone in its path. I lost friendships that way, relationships and I taught myself to subdue this power, to hide it. In fact, like the dragon int he legend, I had manged to hide it so well and so deep that I have become a mere dragonfly, forgetting my true power, my true essence and that power all concentrated inside of me started consuming me from inside.
That revelation or insight that came to me this week tells me that it is time to unleash my power again, but this time I need to teach myself moderation. I also came to realize that what I miss most in my life at the moment is quiet. Both physical quiet - actually "hearing no sound" and mental. emotional, energetic quiet. With my hectic schedule it is very hard to find or create this quiet but it is my task for the week to try.

So for the next week I need to do 2 things:
  1. find my power and regain it
  2. create quiet in my life even just for a few moments every day