Thursday, June 19, 2008

Feelings - the sequal (or: "Today I'm Feeling....")

I was going to write about my feelings yesterday but never had the chance. Mainly I as confused, but that's passed and now I am ok.

Today, however, I am feeling: disappointed. Now, I bet you thought I was going to start my whole "getting back in synch with my feelings" thing with ...Love. It would be the natrual, common, conventional choice, wouldn't it? that one little feeling (or big, depending on how you look at it and what you feel right now) that gives us all a great deal of trouble! But unconventional me is going to talk about my disappointment.

Disappointment can often be misleading. You can be disappointed but think you're sad, or angry, or despaired... you can be disappointed with yourself but project it on others. It is not at all a simple feeling to have or deal with.

Yesterday, as I said, I felt confused. I thought I was angry with a specific person, someone from my past. Truth is I am not angry with that person and never was - I was disappointed in him. I expected more and different things from him and he failed to deliver.

But then I started wondering: has he really "failed"? Is it not possible that I projected unto this person expectations that stem from some ideal picture or fantasy I weaved in the darkest corners of my mind, and simply expected himt o know what I wanted from him?

Yes, of course it is possible. Not only that, but it is also probable. I tend to be somewhat of a dreamer and fantasize and wish for things that cannot happen in reality, or at least in my given reality. In that sense that person hasn't failed. He was simply being himself, and i am the one who failed to see him as he truly was and to accept him as he truly was.

It is now time to be disappointed in myself for my poor handling of some situations with this particular person. So the feeling hasn't changed, it just shifted focus.

I'm still processing this one. It gets mixed with other forms and focal points of disappointment that I am experiencing today about myself and some of the people around me in the present.

Right now it is a very burning sensation that makes my mood swing from being very combatant and fisety one moment to being paralyzed and depressed the next (and no I am not bi-polar. One doesn't have to be bi-polar to experience such mood swings and/or feelings).

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